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Russia is losing because Ukraine has “mutant soldiers”: Russian lawmakers

As the old saying goes “Russia is not a place, Russia is a state of mind”. An interview given by Konstantin Kosachev, the deputy speaker of Russia’s Federation Council (upper house), and Irina Yarovaya, deputy chair of the State Duma (lower house) to the Russian Kommersant daily allows us to peek into the headspace of people who run it and it is a truly bizarre world.

Mystery solved! The reason why the three-day operation of capturing Kyiv and “denazifying” Ukraine has slogged on for almost five months is because Ukrainian soldiers have been turned into mutated murder machines as a result of “secret experiments”. In US-sponsored biolabs, no less.

By Russian standards, that is a much better explanation than untrained and demoralised troops, complete breakdown of logistics, outdated equipment, incompetent command and the host of other issues that plague Russia and its military.

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Yes, that is correct. The real reason “Nazi Ukraine” (the playset comes with a Jewish Head of State and was recently expanded to include a newly appointed Chief Rabbi of Armed Forces; former PM Volodymyr Groysman sold separately) cannot be easily beaten are its “drugged up” grunts. Bravo Kostya and Irka.

As Russian Kommersant daily reported, Kosachev and Yarovaya who are heading a commission investigating “biolaboratories” in Ukraine. The commission’s investigation produced stunning results, uncovering “a range of diseases” present in the blood of Ukrainian POWs, which suggests they were secretly experimented on “for military purposes.”

“And we see: the cruelty and barbarity with which the military personnel of Ukraine behave, the crimes that they commit against the civilian population, those monstrous crimes that they commit against prisoners of war, confirm that this system for the control and creation of a cruel murder machine was implemented under the management of the United States,” Yarayeva told Kommersant.

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One might wonder whether Ms Yarayeva has not accidentally confused the finding of the commission with a report on the heroic deeds of Russian troops in places like Bucha, Irpin, or Mariupol.

Anyway, back to Kostya and Irka’s Bizarre Adventure:

“And those performance-enhancing drugs that they are still given in order to completely neutralise the last traces of human consciousness and turn them into the most cruel and deadly monsters also confirm this,” Yarayeva claimed.

She also claimed the the presence of Hepatitis A and West Nile virus antibodies in Ukrainian prisoners’ blood. “It is quite possible that this was about testing these drugs on military personnel,” Yarovaya said.

This is a less plausible but much more interesting theory than, say, someone actually developing antibodies because they suffered from jaundice on account of not washing their hands properly or were bitten by a (non-radioactive) mosquito that carried the West Nile virus.

Russia has been making claims of biolabs developing bioweapons since 2018, and March 2022 saw a new wave of “findings” when Russia captured parts of Ukrainian territory. According to General Igor Konashenkov, the biolabs were working on pathogenes of bubonic plague, anthrax, and cholera.

Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, claimed that the labs were working to “develop ethnically targeted biological weapons” (which is not how ethnicity, DNA or diseases work, but oh well), and the head of the Russian military’s radiation, chemical and biological protection troops, Igor Kirillov, said the pathogens were to be sent to infect the Russian population using weaponised migratory birds released from Ukraine.

Of course any cursory fact-checking and basic knowledge of science allows anyone with the ability to think for themselves for 15 seconds to realise all of those claims are so absurd it beggars belief. But fortunately for the Kremlin, thanks to the Soviet-inherited passive mentality of the people, over 20 years of Putinist propaganda completely dominating the media landscape and being fed to people like one feeds a foie gras goose, as well as Roskomnadzor (federal agency responsible for monitoring, controlling, and censoring mass media) making it difficult for the people to fact-check or access adequate data, the Russian population has been almost completely deprived of the ability to think for themselves.

But regardless of that, the findings of the commission led by Kosachev and Yarovaya would make for a great film, so let us hope that after the war Hollywood picks up the idea instead of a bajillionth Marvel franchise movie.

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